Smiling Sympathy

Today, I had coffee with a business colleague. Friend quickly became a better label for this lady.

She is newly divorced. I’ve been divorced since early in the millennium.

She’s faced her ‘family issues’. I’ve dodged them for many years until recently.

She’s learning to stand on her own for the first time. I’ve been doing so for more than two decades.

She’s a northerner by upbringing, and I’m a southerner through and through.

We are very different people, with many things in common. We have adjacent careers and big hearts for helping people. We both appreciate senses of humor that show up any time, especially in sad moments.

The strongest similarity that turned a quick cup of coffee into a two-hour conversation is our recent personal loss(es). We’re both in a season of grief ~ deep, soul wrecking grief from losing loved ones, in multiples or under traumatic circumstances.

In good fortune, we found laughs. We joked about creating a line of T-shirts that warn people with sayings like “Save Yourself – Don’t Ask How I Am” or “Burst Into Tears Easily”.

Maybe we could brand them. I’m thinking Grief Girl, because we know there are many more of us out there.

Yea, Yea, I know, we all go through times of grief. It’s a hard thing, always. When it’s most fresh and the heavy clouds of mourning are heaviest, it’s daunting. I still find myself incapable of holding back tears when someone genuinely asks if I’m ok, or how I’m holding up.

My friend’s take was similar. She isolated for many days, because she couldn’t greet people without the ugly cry. Every subtle show of sympathy reminds us strongly of our grief. We are simply trying to put one foot in front of the other. The kindness is deeply appreciated, but it can turn us into puddles of liquid ~ the kind our faces and pour.

We get stronger by carrying on, but it gets weird when you convey a wonderful message and we just get all weepy! We can do hard things and get through, but it’s never without the help of loved ones.

So then, loved ones, I am putting a little PSA out there to my super small audience, with hope that seeds will carry it.

There’s a better greeting for the grieving!

If someone you love is going through a season of grief, as soon as you think it’s appropriate, try a shift. Don’t lead with the ‘oh, my hearts breaks for you’ tone. We know it does and we don’t want to spread the grief.

Instead of the sympathetic tone or head tilt, what if you came in, put on a smile, muster all the sunshine you can and say “it’s really good to see you”? Maybe offer a hug? There’s still a good chance of tears, but hugs release happy brain chemicals!  

Your sympathy and show of support shines brightly through a smile, and hopefully without as much awkward crying. Grief is real and lasting and will now always be with me. I will learn to smile again. Then when I can help someone who’s grieving, I hope I remember to be sunshine for them.