*The view from here ~ here is the backside of Percy Priest Dam in Nashville one gloriously bright, (but windy as all get out) morning. Got to snap this on my five-minute pre-flight nature break.
Funny, when you open yourself up to others even just a little bit, you generally find you have something in common; like they journal too. And it’s a wonderfully open conversation. But then you have that realization of how far out of the habit of journaling you’ve been.
Soon it also feels that missing the practice is contributing to the gaping hole in your life lately. The hole in mine has been wide and deep.
I had a little of this conversational opening with a new friend recently. We met at a salt float spa another friend opened. Shameless plug for her coming up in 3, 2…. Ebb and Float in Columbus, OH is the perfect meditative spa experience. Something about the floating in total silence and darkness just completely relaxes the mind and body. It may have also opened up my soul a bit as well.
In our post-float chat, she brought up the question ~ why it is so hard to share your journaling? I commented because it was like opening your soul and splashing it across a billboard for the world to see.
Silently, I mused that maybe it’s also the fear of needing to admit the other stuff you try to fill that hole with… like TV or food or wine or words with friends. Or it is dangerously close to revealing major chinks in your armor…showing you aren’t as good and as pulled together as you always try to project? Oh, dear friends, why we feel we must project perfection is a whole other series (rant) in general.
Later, I realized that I actually live in the ‘hates to show lack of togetherness’ camp. I’m a victim of the needing to project having it together Well, that’s crap.
There is an enormous, vacuous hole in me. The size does vary a bit day by day, but the opening is always there. I also know the core of my huge gaping hole…is God-shaped, with many earthly gaps as well.
I am in a job role that some days I fear is too much for my old brain to grow to, or maybe I just hate it. I allowed myself to nearly fall for someone who I felt wasn’t being fully upfront with me. Yet, it was him I directed my rage toward when I found out I was right. I’ve been some version of sick for a full eight weeks and just generally feeling beaten by life.
In my quest to be less-holey, I’ve been using my Bible app every day. My new favorite is Ephesians 4:23… “but instead let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes”. Trying so hard, Lord to put my thoughts and attitudes in the path of your glorious renewal instead of letting them be battered about by the tsunami of self-doubt and pity.
So I vow to myself to put the attitudes and thoughts to paper, and journal more. Daily activities, funny things that happened, general junk. Sometimes, I pray in the form of journaling. As our writing chat turned over in my mind, I wondered what entries, if any, I’d have the bravery to post.
The reason I journal, is because it is therapeutic. But the only reason I can think of for posting it would be to remind others that no one has it all together all the time. NO ONE. Come to think of it…’no one’ is just a couple people less than the collective of those who know about this blog. That does make it exponentially easier to bare my soul across that digital billboard in the cybercloud.
While I do plan to make a better habit of journaling, I still don’t plan to emotionally dump too much. Ain’t nobody wanna read all that.
For today, I will try to stay focused to grow this old brain. I will feebly attempt to squash the self-doubt and I will make some…no matter how small, step to practice some self-care. Salt float and journalling anyone?
I will take a second to reflect on a moment of beauty captured before I boarded the plane that day to the healing waters of Ebb and Float and great chats. Tiny moves; like having gratitude for small things and practicing a little self-care today, can turn into big wins for peace of heart for your whole self tomorrow.
When you’re swimming, or maybe barely treading water in life, always remember that when you lay real still and look up, you float. It’s a miracle of physics or gravity or buoyancy or something scienc-y like that. But I promise, if you lie on your back, relax and breathe… you will float.
Any seconds you take to just breathe and be still may feel dwarfed by the stress of your life. But dear one, do know they will add up. As God flows his healing water through your heart, allow those waters to flood throughout your Spirit. I promise…you will float.