I was written a one-way ticket to Depressedville in January 2020. I got fired and when my boss said the words, I felt a jolt. My pride was slapped, but combined with a wave of relief. I was free. I did not fit that company culture at all.
I knew it – knew the exact conversation when my excellent review turned on a dime and the plan to fire me was hatched. It was weeks of nervous anticipation.
When the ax fell, I felt really free for several weeks, spending one of them on a (previously paid for – Thank God) ski trip to Copper, CO. Back home, a month of my isolation preceded this little multi-month lockdown thing. You may have heard of it, COVID-19.
While my pride was bruised, I began isolating before it was mandated.
As the calendar edged toward six weeks of unemployment, I began to panic and was not excited about going to the Rockies (completely uncharacteristic). In early March, I flew to Steamboat, CO amid growing media coverage of this virus.
Only while I was in the center of the town, in an empty snow-covered park, did I feel peaceful. All my friends were skiing but having lost eighty-five percent of my income, I chose the free route of exploring the town on foot. Separation from a world I felt was passing me by had become weirdly familiar and soothing. Had I known a historical forced isolation was coming, I would have charged that lift pass, for sure!
No one could have predicted the course of action would be ‘hey, let’s literally close the world and make up the rules as we go along’. Churches closed, retail businesses closed…oh, who am I telling? Everyone knows what closed.
I understood the need to slow the roll, sit for a bit, separately, and see how things play out. With my own fears flying, I shut her down. I locked out the world and sat down. I drank too much wine, ate too much gelato, watched too much trash Netflix, and generally self-destructed.
I both loved and hated all those who used the time to learn a completely new skill or start a business. Taking that extra time to dedicate to passions dying to get out?
Oh, no. I’ll just wallow in the misery for a bit, thanks.
While I have introvert tendencies, I’m mostly an extrovert. This new ‘mandate’ for solitude brought up a lot of emotions for everyone. While I was miffed at the idea of staying home alone, I imagined the scene for others. I worried about those isolated in an abusive marriage or as a hungry, neglected child.
I worried about those situations so much. More fears jumped in the fray ~ I feared the traumatic backlash of forced isolation.
I was also moving in mid-April and needed to be packing. I had plenty of time and no distractions to do it. I just could not talk myself into anything productive. I wanted to sit and pet my dog. So the packing fell behind, but in a nail-biting finish got done.
I’m grateful for several friends, who did not judge my slacker mentality and helped me get out of my home a mere ten hours before my tenants moved in. You have to look for blessings in a pandemic, right? I found one in great friends. They are the ones who will show up even when fear of viral spread was spreading.
One afternoon, #theamazingblaze finally had enough watching me pack, nap repeat and talked me into letting him leap in the backseat. Ears blowing in the breeze. Destination – dog park
On the gate, I found a large, red CLOSED sign. That was the moment anger joined in with my fears. That single sign triggered some kind of loathe in my heart that really sent me into a shockwave of sad bitterness.
Hearing of closures of the major interstate hiking trails (Appalachian, Pacific Crest and Continental Divide) was a curious moment for me. I tried, yet could not imagine how being in nature could possibly be bad for you. Seriously, was COVID radioactive and they weren’t telling us?
That’s when I had to decide between living in fear and doing what I needed to protect my mental health. Whatever your higher dude or dudette gave you is cool, but my God did not give me a spirit of fear.
So, I chose me. It meant getting outside into big nature and probably breaking a few guidelines in the process. It meant pushing myself a bit in several ways too.
Luckily, some greenways and local trails remained open and I will never, ever understand why dog parks did not. Cities became ghost towns and by that time, I was planning to go into the wild.
I needed to disconnect from the world and be among the trees. I craved being off-grid.
I’ve camped in many forms before but had taken no solo adventures that didn’t involve hotel or VRBO. This time, I needed it to be just me, all on my own listening to just my thoughts and God-guidance. It would my gear, knowledge, planning, packing, cooking, etc. While my dog is an excellent hiking buddy, he’s no good at food prep or advice.
After several searches, I finally lucked out and found an open campground, deep in the William J. Bankhead National Forest in Alabama. I cheered a little inside to learn the campground and nearby Sipsey Wilderness got very little cell reception.
My loved ones weren’t thrilled with my plan, but after promises to text if I could and immediately when I hit service areas, we were off for three nights in primitive peace. With storms forecast for the latter half of the trip, I wondered if I had the moxie to stay through them all.
Would my gear hold up okay? Could I figure out the best tarp location? Am I really a true hardcore nature girl? What if I liked the camaraderie of camping more than camping itself? Add to that the unknown of what COVID really is and can or cannot do, and my mind could not have been more ready for an unplug. It was more isolation, but it would provide just what I needed ~ insulation from the media.
Unplugging was what I needed, for doggo and I slid right into a big nature routine of a morning walk (aka squirrel hunting), breakfast for both of us and then him dancing around like a sugared-up child. All about the car rides!
We spent the days driving to trailheads, crossing creeks, forest-bathing and generally immersing in the sights, sounds and smells of the woods. Our bedtime ritual was a short walk to the waters edge to get full, clear view of the sky. There were times I thought the dog had a quiet fascination with it too.
Once I was back home, a perfect early May day arrived. With campgrounds closed, dog parks closed, major hiking trails closed, day use areas were my best outlet to nature. I knew just the place, local and underused. My body wasn’t ready to return to walls and artificial lighting, so I heaved Daphne on top of Stella (my kayak and vehicle, respectively) and went in search of paddle therapy.
It was an unusually busy day at my secret spot. I created a decent parking space, unloaded and paddled across a long cove to the shore of a campground. A completely desolate and empty campground beach. What is wrong with this world that you close down nature?
Those fears crept back in and brought with them annoyance. I was just plain fed up with COVID. It just didn’t make sense. Science, medicine, a multitude of researchers in both all agree that being in nature heals, boosts immunity and enhances mental health. Yet, nature was closed. Damn them all, I was going to sit on the empty campground beach and do some healing. You can’t CLOSE nature.
Sitting there in seclusion, with the lake tossing itself on the shore occasionally and a breezy sunshine blowing through me, I breathed. I actually wrote my last blog post from there. I was saddened by the fact that nature was indeed closed. Many people rebelled with me that day. I paddled back across the lake to get my car and found hundreds of others taking up every inch of pavement, a lot of grass and lining both sides of the street. Everyone had the same idea. This little day use area would be their refuge from isolation.
A strange mix of emotions set back in when I spotted a park ranger capturing the scene. Were we being ticketed, reported? What? Even the thought of criminalizing being outdoors sent me into a weird tailspin of fear and anger again. Granted, I was not totally comfortable being around that many people, but I could not waste a perfect weather Saturday. My sanity depended upon it.
By my fuzzy math, in 4 days of adventure . . .
I broke about seventy-four ‘guidelines’ . . .
Had zero regrets . . .
and an immeasurable amount of peace. . .
Everywhere outside but especially among trees is where I am most alive and grateful.
So, I was not going to apologize for needing to be among trees.
The days clicked further into May and while some evil force had brought us COVID, Mother Nature tried to soften the blow with an exquisitely weathered Spring. Cool mornings, humid free sunshine and mostly pleasant temperatures. Count your blessings where you can in a pandemic, right?
In May, I got recruited into the mortgage business and with my move, I was working reasonable hours with no commute and access to a fully contained, organic garden. The kind of garden I wanted, but felt overwhelmed in trying to create from scratch, was there just waiting to be prepped and planted.
My roommate started off with some squash, pepper and tomato plants. I’ve since planted a long list of things; two lettuces, kale, corn, tomatillos (I’ve never eaten cooked with a tomatillo), cucumbers, sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts, carrots and herbs. I went a little vegetable happy and I was totally winging it on all of it. I had no idea what would live, die or produce food.
My parents and grandparents all grew up gardening and when I was very young, I helped. That was forty years ago and I had no idea what I was doing, then or now.
All I did was water and share love and energy with the plants. I gardened barefoot at times to gain energy back from the earth. And voila, I’m growing food. Salads have been amazing. Other dishes are well-flavored with fresh herbs and I’m now harvesting peppers and cucumbers.
The squash has nearly choked out the carrots. The lettuce was overshadowed by zucchini, which may have helped the lettuce, but I didn’t even consider and google space between plants! I just had the innate need to have my hands in dirt, so I planted things.
There’s a ton of research and science behind a substance (mycobacterium vaccae) in dirt that’s being deemed the natural Prozac. Colorado University-Boulder ranks it in their 2016 Top 10 list for brain research. Turns out, maybe my body did know my mind needed that.
It’s been empowering and fun. I held a green pepper in front of my dog a couple days ago and said “Look buddy, I grew this” with glee. He was underwhelmed after a couple sniffs and it wasn’t meat.
As I spent a little time each day with hands in soil, I felt a sense of satisfaction. As more weeks passed, so did some of my stress. Gardening truly did make me happy!
Walks have become my morning jolt of choice. Even when I may not want to, the dog motivates me to seek out cures for nature deficit disorder. In my new neighborhood, I’ve found more areas of the creek and a tiny, one lane road. It’s heavily treed and only a very occasional car comes through.
We soak up the terpenes on that road and stop and play in the creek nearly every day. On those walks, I find myself feeling grateful for the wonder that’s all around me.
So while COVID has thrown the entire world on its ear, I am trying to make my peace where I can. The only place where solace follows me is in nature. It has been all along, even when I wasn’t nurturing it. It still is in nature.
Life, my friends, will always contain great doses of nature for me. To be whole, to live my best life, it’s a must. With the overwhelming amount of study and science behind why, I’d beg you to figure out ways to including it in yours.
Big nature is an outlet for me. I’m just back from another weekend in the woods of Fall Creek Falls with great friends and furries. It was the only place one of my friends felt safe being around anyone. All had an amazing time with each other, with as much or as little distance as they needed. Me, I was doling out the hugs like candy.
Little nature is found in those tiny moments with small things. Even growing a houseplant or a single herb in your kitchen window may be as nature lover as you want to go. Just viewing some great nature photos has been shown to be helpful to our brains too.
The simple connection to nature, whether seeing it, smelling, tasting or touching it puts you back in touch with who and where we were designed to be. It’s the only way I’ve made my life work in the past couple of months.